Under Siege

’Tis the week before finals.

Deep in the catacombs of the John D. Rockefeller Library, your phone, serendipitously, inexplicably, lights up. 

Your heartbeat pounds in your ears. And though you cannot believe it, yes, yes, it is so. 

Another Partiful invite has hit your inbox.

This week, as the leaves shrivel in the drench of the unceasing rain, a host of Partiful summons have descended upon you. And now, your google calendar, your sweet, color coded google calendar, looks like this:

Thursday. 6pm.

Swing On Over To Waterman For A Feast Of Long Foods Only Such As Noodles And Whole Carrots

Attire: Alpine chic. 

Thursday. 9pm. 

Celebrate Marguerite’s 258th Month By Bumping Hips With Your Ex At The Shot Ski

Attire: Your best rubies. 

Friday. 5am.

Party With Us On The Roof Of The State House For The Friday After Black Friday

Attire: White lies.

Friday. 2pm.

Don’t Miss The Premiere Of Our New College Dating Show That Pairs Masters Students With Freshman. At The Avon!

Attire: Canadian tuxedo. 

Friday. 7pm.

Grab Your Best Pork And Dairy And Wiggle On Over For The Shabbat Dinner Of Your Dreams (Seriously, Because You Have To Take Melatonin At The Door)

Attire: Equestrian.

Friday. 9pm.

Pregame With Us By Dressing Up As Your Favorite MAGA Conspiracy Theory

Attire: Your favorite MAGA Conspiracy Theory. 

Friday. 11pm. 

Dance The Night Away In Honor Of Never Seeing These Study Abroad People Ever Again

Attire: Just your passport.

Saturday. 8pm.

Wedding Bells Are Ringing For The Most Toxic Couple You Know. It’s Frat Wedding Time!

Attire: Sexy vigil.

Sunday. 5pm.

Champagne And Shackles Except It’s Providence Rainwater And Silk Scarves

Attire: Neon.

Monday. 8am.

Bio final.

BY REGINALD