A day on college hell

A TALE OF COMMON STRUGGLE

Sketch by @_katzman that has been defiled by hellfire

It’s Sunday. Didn’t drink, somehow still hungover.

Woken up at 3AM by gunfire-sounding car on Thayer. Go to pee, every toilet in communal bathroom not flushed.

Back to sleep; awoken by Brown Band outside window at 7AM.

Want to shower, shower drains all clogged with hair. Give up, put on atrocious outfit; No one will be out this early!

Walk into Ratty, immediately see group of hot men.

Go for fruit, only green melon. Go for oatmeal, impenetrably thick.
Sit down, ex-friend group sits at table next to you.

Leave ratty, head for Rock. Rock closed. Sweating now.

Go to Sci Li, get study room, immediately kicked out by snobby STEM study group.

Sit at long table in 0 decibel section, accidentally play sound from phone on full volume. Get dirty looks.

Go to Main Green. Blinded by sun upon re-emergence into world. 

Walking across main green, pass group of girls in the coolest outfits. They give you up and down look. 

Finding bench to sit on, hear name called.

It’s guy friend you secretly have feelings for. He wants to introduce you to his new girlfriend. Cool! Give her big hug.

Walking away from the happy couple, roll ankle. Try to recover smoothly.

Turn right into Wriston, immediately crash into 7 foot tall athlete rounding corner. He elbows you in nose. Says nothing.

Walk to Coffee Exchange. Every table full. Order latte, debit card declines. $4 in bank account.

Walk back up hill. Must maneuver by freshman friend group taking up entire sidewalk.

Change, go to gym. See gym crush. Smile, he makes weird face back.

Run on treadmill, immediately humbled. Girl next to you sprinting effortlessly.

Leave gym, drenched in sweat. Run into tour group. Girl from high school touring with her parents. They see you, whisper to each other. 

Catcalled on Thayer in broad daylight. 

Go home, shower. Sit on edge of bed for second. Wake up three hours later. Hair has dried into alarming style. 

Check email, reminder from professor about essay due at midnight. Should start that.

Back to Rock. Burrow self in basement stacks. Negative degrees. Write seven incoherent pages. 

Emerge from Rock as shell of person. Shuttle about to pull away. Run for it, miss it. 

Trudge in dark to Jo’s. Narrow miss with scooter. Hangry. Walk in, endless lines. Get sad salad. Woman swiping card gives disingenuous smile. 

Back in dorm, brush teeth. Go back to room, locked out. Call key office, forget to lie about attire, they say come to Grad Center. Shuffle there in slippers, no bra on. 

Get replacement key. Almost die walking down spiral staircase looking at phone. 

In bed. Half asleep. Car on Thayer sounds like bomb.

Fin

BY REGINALD